Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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