It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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