She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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