I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
