Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is classic penis vs brain.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
