mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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