I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize