Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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