I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
