We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
