Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
