I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize