btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
