we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
