I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
