I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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