glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
