I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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