So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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