Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
