he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize