sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
