I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
