if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
