ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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