i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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