I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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