just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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