i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
