i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
