How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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