and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize