We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
