you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
