ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
