I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
