I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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