my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
