Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
