I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize