I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
