My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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