don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
