I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
