Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We are all done wearing pants today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
