please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
