Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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