drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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