hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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