Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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