i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
