these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize