I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
false alarm. still invincible.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
