Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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