He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
