I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Success! We fucked roommates!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize