apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I want to fling myself into the sun
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
