why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
