As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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