im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
