On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Still dying that you shit outside
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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