Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
me + whiskey = a bad person
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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