pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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