Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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