Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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